Support for Children and Teens Helping Children and Teens Cope When a Loved One Has Cancer A cancer diagnosis affects the entire family, and especially children. Talking with your children about your own or a loved one's illness may be difficult to imagine, and many adults struggle with how to break the news and answer their children's questions. The natural instinct of parents to protect their children from difficult realities may make things harder. It is impossible to shield children from the stressful, uncomfortable realities of life, but we can teach our children to cope with these challenges. We hope that the following guidelines will be helpful. Let your child guide you Tell the truth in a way that your child can understand. Give them basic information: The name of the cancer, such as "lymphoma" or "lung cancer" The part of the body where the cancer is located How it will be treated How their lives will be affected Children thrive on routine A routine helps children feel safe. So let them know what changes to expect and help them to prepare for and adjust to those changes. Address their worries Children may not express their worries to you. Their most common worry is that they somehow caused the illness. Other worries may include:     * that cancer is contagious     * that the other parent will get sick     * that they may get cancer     * that their lives will change     * that their parents may not be able to take care of them     * how their friends will react and that they may be treated differently     * that their parent may die from cancer They may ask:     * who will take care of them if their parent dies?     * will their parent be able to do fun things with them     * will they have to take care of their parent Give children a balanced point of view Cancer is a serious but not a hopeless illness. In fact, it is more often a chronic condition than a terminal one. In families where another person has died of cancer, children (and even adults) may assume the worst. Explain that there are over 100 different kinds of cancer, all different in their biology and requiring unique treatment. Each person is also unique. Everyone responds differently to treatment. More effective treatments are being developed all the time. Children should understand what to expect while someone is undergoing treatment. If a parent is going to be hospitalized, they need to know where, for about how long, what is expected to happen in the hospital, whether they can visit or at least be in telephone contact, and who will be taking care of them in the meantime. Prepare them for changes in a parent's appearance. Letting them know what to expect ahead of time will help them to better cope. You may find it helpful to bring your child to the treatment center. Seeing that chemotherapy and radiation therapy don't hurt and knowing where their parent is going for care can be comforting. Please talk with your treatment team in advance to arrange such a visit. If you, as a parent with cancer, feels poorly, let your children know that you feel bad because of the illness or treatment, not because of anything that they have done. Talk to your children before someone else does Children will learn about cancer from a variety of other sources (school, classmates, television, etc.). Some of what they hear will be accurate, but a lot of it will be incorrect. A child must be able to sort out with their parents what applies to their own situation. Ask your children to tell you what they hear about cancer so you can correct any misinformation. Where can I learn more about how to help my children cope? There are many excellent books, videos, and workbooks designed to help children whose parents or loved one has cancer. See the Suggested Reading List for Children Whose Loved One Has Cancer for ideas. Many of these materials are available for loan through The Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope & Healing's resource library. We also have created a Parent's Packet of information that provides pointers and articles on talking with your children about your own or another loved one's cancer diagnosis. These are available for free by calling The Dempsey Center at 1-877-336-7287 or stopping in at the Center. Also available are Children's Care Backpacks, which include a stuffed animal, workbook, and age-appropriate reading materials for children. These are available at the Center or from your CMMC/Bridgton Hospital/Rumford Hospital oncology social worker. You may also find it helpful to meet with an oncology social worker to talk about your child's reaction to your illness. Talking with your child's teacher, guidance counselor, or school social worker is also important and may yield insight about how the illness is affecting your child's school experience. Some of the above suggestions were drawn from the American Cancer Society publication "How to tell the children about cancer". Go to www.cancer.org for more information.